Mad Poet of the Year - Tonita Austin (aka Toni Love)

The Mad Poet of the Year blog posts share the poetry of a long-time Mad Poet. This year-long appointment provides readers with a deep dive of the writer’s work and thoughts on poetry. We are thrilled to have Tonita Austin (aka Toni Love) serve as the Mad Poet of the Year for 2023.


 
 

The Day I Left God
 by Tonita Austin aka Toni Love

I laid the red carnation on top of her casket
Collapsing through showers of grief
The sight of them lowering the flesh and bones of my mother
Into the cold hard ground was too much for my fragile womb to bear

I had prophesized years before
That her life would end when her decayed lungs could take no more
Tobacco
Stress
Worry
Fear

Yet I still was not prepared
God was not supposed to take my mommy so soon
I did all the right things
I was baptized and attended church
I paid my tithes
Helped the elderly, sick and poor
Volunteered and served my community
I got good grades, graduated from college, supported myself
And although I wasn’t perfect I tried to do every righteous thing I could do

Stayed by her side like a good daughter should
Took her to doctor’s appointments
And brought her clothes and food when she was unable to move

I was so good how could he take my mommy so soon?

Every day I walked into the cancer center I stopped in the chapel to pray

Please wait until my baby is born before you take my mommy away
Every day
On my knees I would pray
Please God
Please God
And he took her anyway

Standing over her casket tears flowing too fast to even wipe away
I sobbed again for her grandbaby comfortably swaying in my womb
Anxious to see the light of day
Not realizing the would never get the chance to wrap his little
Hands around her face and say
I love you mom mom

Day by day the anger filled up every space left in my perforated heart
How dare my God leave me to do motherhood alone?
Without my mother to tell me how to hold him when to feed him
When to worry and when to let go
How cruel can he be to leave me mourning during the most beautiful time in my life?
Just two months before I would walk down the aisle and become someone’s loving wife

With each contraction my unborn child had no choice but to drink in my tears of pain grief and anger
My soul cried out why
And received no answer

I found myself sitting in silence once again
Praying to find the strength to go on
So I did what I felt God had done
I banished love and left my soul deserted
Back in the cemetery in the cold hard earth I left my faith in God and buried it deep

And I walked away
And I wept
The day I left God


I chose this poem because May is usually a time when everyone is focused on Mother's Day and I wanted to share this poem for anyone who finds themselves grieving the loss of their mother or mother figure. My mother was diagnosed with late stage lung cancer six months before I found out that I was pregnant with my first-born child. I spent most of that time as her caregiver and whenever I would visit her at the hospital, I would stop at the chapel to pray that she would at least live long enough to see my child born. I was in my first trimester when she transitioned and was angry at God for not answering my prayers.

I wrote this poem on my journey to healing both the loss of  my mother and my faith in God. 


Tonita Austin also known as “Toni Love” is a gifted poet, singer, activist, and writer born in West Philadelphia. While attending Columbia University, Tonita was a student of Amiri Baraka and performed in Ntozake Shange’s “For Colored Girls” as the Lady in Orange. Her writing is influenced by both experiences. She is a contributor to the anthology The Black Body and featured poet in the 2018 and 2020 Winter/Fall edition of the Philadelphia Arts and Urban Literary magazine. The Restoration EP is her first published recording; Toni’s Room is her first published book. Toni currently resides in Media, PA. For more info, visit www.tonitalove.com and https://tonilove.hearnow.com/.